Folks. Folks. I want you to settle in. Pull up the laptop. Open the social network of the Secretary of the Interior of the United States, Doug Burgum, who is, as a matter of public record, the official in charge of national parks, federal lands, ocean energy leases, indigenous affairs, and the office that regulates surface coal mining. The man cosplays as the guy who runs the parks. He posted, on Thursday, a cartoon. Of himself. Kneeling. Next to a hunk of coal. With googly eyes. The hunk of coal has yellow boots and a grin. The hunk of coal has a name. The name of the hunk of coal is Coalie.
The caption is “Mine, Baby, Mine.”
Buddy. Buddy. I am not making this up. I would not have the imagination to make this up. I have been around bad ideas. I have seen bad ideas. I have worked for bad ideas. I have not seen this one.
The Office of Surface Mining Reclamation and Enforcement, OSMRE, which is supposed to be the federal regulator that enforces the rules on coal companies, now has, by Thursday afternoon, a mascot. The mascot is a piece of coal. The mascot is the spokesperson for the agency. The product the agency regulates is now the agency’s spokesperson.
This would be like the FDA hiring a cartoon Twinkie to do its press releases. This would be like the SEC hiring the Monopoly Man. This would be like the Department of Transportation hiring a googly-eyed pothole to talk to the country about road safety. I would be writing the same column.
I have run a casino floor. I have also watched marketing departments at Atlantic City joints pitch all manner of mascots. Some of them worked. The white tiger at the Tropicana, decent run. The cartoon clam at the boardwalk seafood place, decent run. Neither of those mascots was the product the casino was supposed to be regulating. Different industry. Different rules.
The clean coal part of the post, by the way, deserves a sentence. Clean coal is a marketing term. It is not a chemistry term. The Surface Mining office’s job for fifty years has been to deal with the consequences of coal not being clean. Acid drainage. Subsidence. Mountaintop removal. The agency’s mascot is now the substance the agency exists to manage, in the form of a cartoon with a grin.
I’m arguing with the television. The television is now hosting a googly-eyed lump of coal. The lump of coal is winking.
The breakdown.
- Factual basis The post, the mascot, and the caption are all on the public record.18/25
- Self-awareness The mascot has a name. The caption rhymes.4/20
- Staff containment OSMRE adopted Coalie as the spokesperson on its own social channels.7/20
- Recovery attempt None offered. Burgum doubled down with another post in February.5/15
- Public spectacle Climate press wall-to-wall. Cable picked it up.11/20
Was this dumb enough?
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